Endings

I’ve been away from this blog for half a year now. So many changes blew in when I wasn’t looking.  It wasn’t as if I couldn’t have seen them coming but I had turned my back to the blackened horizon and kept busy – busy enough to avoid turning around to face the truth.  The truth that my marriage was over. Really over this time. No temporary separations like the three of four times before when I chose to believe in a change that was never coming. I’d always believed that if you loved someone enough with an unconditional love, and had enough faith, anything could be overcome. Anything.  But I was wrong. And finally I sat with that truth. Because the truth is, people change not because we love them, or because their children love them, but if they want to- if there’s a payoff in it for them. Not all people of course. I still have faith in people changing their lives for the better. In the case of my husband, the payoff wasn’t high enough. It never had been but I refused to accept this truth even when the signs were all around me. I haven’t felt worthy of writing for months now. What could I say that would be meaningful?  Who was I now? What right did I have to say anything?  But it’s time to write and let the healing begin. It’s always been in my writing that the truth, good or bad has surfaced.

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